Divorce with kid & what to do

[christine]

Ok folks it's come to a point that I and my husband are moving toward a divorce.
We are both of the same feeling and we have a young child.
Is there any advice y'all can give as far as dealing with family and making it easy on the child? He is 2years old but we would like to make things smooth. However we are waiting till after the holidays to fully separate.

Also for the people who are here & on my Facebook I would appreciate it if there was no mention of this since we have not announced it to our family yet.

[ithoughtso]

Sorry to hear that.

[JoAnn Purser]

As a product of a divorced couple, just do the best you can to not pit one against the other. Just speak of kind words of one another when your child is present and know that y'all will be in each others lives because of your child for a very long time.

Wish my parents had. :(

Good luck.

[THEMEANOGRE]

I seldom think divorce is ever a good idea, buuut...
I think it is good that this is happening while Bubba is so young. Hopefully, there'll be few repercussions.

[Night Owl]

Christine, I am so sorry that it has come to this point, and I agree with JoAnn. Your priority is your child and decisions should be mae with him in mind.

[christine]

thanks. Both of us want to put our son above anything else. I've just never been through this sort of thing and value peoples input.
also please note that we don't go into this lightly. we have tried to work things out for almost 3years. I take marriage & divorce very seriously.

[TheOldProgrammer]

JoAnn hit the nail on the head...

It took me many years to reestablish my relationship with my daughter thanks to her mother... My son came around very quickly though...almost as if he knew...

Right on Owl, put Bubba first...

:smoke

[stormy]

I am the product of a divorced family too, and my daughter's father and I separated in 2001 when she was only 3 1/2, and divorced in '03. I can tell you this...my mother never bad-mouthed my dad and my ex & I never bad-mouthed each other. We promised to always put our daughter first and still do. We remain a (mostly) united front raising her. I say mostly because just like still married couples we have disagreements regarding some things, but we work through it...together. It has not been an easy road, especially because her dad is 2200 miles away, and there were a couple of tough years, because she lived with me, that she blamed me for him being gone and was very angry. We got through it because I always took the time to listen to her thoughts, spend time with her, and her dad was very supportive of me to her. It's A LOT of work... Another really important factor is that when you do enter another serious relationship and introduce your son into that picture...make darn sure the new man does not give you any grief about you talking with your ex about your son. If he aint on board, he should be gone...no matter what. Good luck to you...

[Iteachtoo]

I agree, NEVER bad mouth you ex to your child. You have to remember that your ex is a part of that child and to bad mouth him is like telling your son that half of him is not any good.

[ithoughtso]

Sounds like a hell of a lot of work, not trying to be smart azz but, cant all this hard work be put into a marriage?

[christine]

Sounds like a hell of a lot of work, not trying to be smart azz but, cant all this hard work be put into a marriage?

In this case that dosent apply. We've worked to try and save things it's not working.

[corgifan]

Good luck with you and your son's future. If child support is involved things will get strained quickly. Week after week, month after month, for the next 16 years will get old for the non-custodial parent really fast.

[CenTexDave]

Damn. I'm truly sorry. Good advice by those above.

[Sloane Peterson]

Echoing everyone else, but that's one of the biggest things I carry with me, is that no matter how hard it was sometimes my dad never spoke ill of my mom and didn't allow anyone else to either. Even when she was being a real winner and I was very upset, he would not allow me to be disrespectful. I firmly believe this played a part in my mom and I repairing our relationship years later.

[siamcat]

I'm so sorry to hear.
Above all remember that the kids come first, no matter how you feel you should do the best for your kids/kid.
My parents divorced and it wasn't pretty. Keep it civil for the kids and beat him down to your friends or in the dark of night.

[THEMEANOGRE]

I disagree with Siamcat. Don't bad mouth him at all. Even if he is solely to blame for things, a truly rare occurrance. Bad mouthing him just keeps him in your mind AND gives him a continuing role in YOUR life. If it is truly to be over in your life, you have to go beyond him. You'll never get there, if you waste time and energy bad mouthing him. Instead think of him as the friend who moved away.

[dawglover]

Let me just add one thing that has been discussed yet. Whatever you do, don't divorce your kids from their grandparents on either side of the family. Grandparents need their grandkids and your children need their grandparents. Allow that relationship to continue on both sides of the family if they were good grandparents while the marriage was intact. As a grandfather I know how important my grandkids are to me and it would darn near destroy me if i couldn't have contact with them.

[christine]

Thanks guys.
Yeah I do my best to not bad mouth him now and I know that its not the kid who divorces the family I want everyone in my sons life who loves him.

[xzochye]

Christine you sound like a very smart and level headed person and it sounds like you, your son and your husband will be able to have a respectable relationship with each other once your divorce is final. Just stay true to yourself and your son.

[christine]

Thanks but I have had my moments the last few weeks.
Iv found out How hard it is getting everything worked out and trying to divide up things. I can't imagine doing that and being at each others throats.

[dawglover]

Thanks but I have had my moments the last few weeks.
Iv found out How hard it is getting everything worked out and trying to divide up things. I can't imagine doing that and being at each others throats.

Here's how you deal with that. If neither of you can agree on who should get a particular item of value, just agree to give it to me. PROBLEM SOLVED!:)

[christine]

Lol I'll keep that in mind

[CenTexDave]

Can Owl and I get the ladder you used to climb up onto the roof?

[christine]

I may need that still. I am still under major stress I could use a vacation after it's all done.

[siamcat]

I feel for you. Being a child of divorced parents were Dad blamed Mom and payed no child support, a Mom who was great and struggled to make ends meat, and feeling like after 23 years I might be headed down that road, it breaks my heart.
Just remember to put your kids first and at one time you loved your husband so he can't be all bad. Possessions are not as important as feelings.
After 25 years I still don't have a great relationship with my Dad, because of things he said and did back then.

[mb1103]

My parents were divorced. I was about 3 so I never remember them being together. My biggest piece of advice has already been stated by others. Don't speak I'll of each other and really try to remain friendly and united for your child. I'm sorry your marriage is ending. I'm sure you aren't going into it lightly.

[CenTexDave]

And remember, it's cheaper to take out a contract on the other one than pay for a lawyer. :))

[Supergirl]

Me and my ex divorced when our daughter was almost 3. We both had divorced parents and the first year was rough but we have grown a new respect for each other as our daughters other parent! We do not bad mouth each other, I never did that in front of her, or even in the same house as her (trust me, they hear everything). Luckily, I do not 'need' his child support. This has worked both ways. He is a contractor now, when he is overseas he will send way more than he has too, or if it her two 'expensive months', August and December, he'll give me more. There was about a six month period where he was laid off and I said don't send me anything, like I said, I don't 'need' it. My point is, get all of yalls business straightened out first. I'm sure you both love your child and what the best for your child.... as soon as you figure out the 'mess' that is the divorce and dividing a household figuring out whats best for the child will come a lot easier because it is something you both truly have the same common interest in mind. It already sounds to me like you are handling this without 'over the top' drama... not saying that it is easy, but you are dealing. I wish the best of luck to you.

OH! One more thing, Just my opinion, but I would never had paid a lawyer as much as I did if I would have known how easy it was to get a non-contested divorce.

[christine]

its good to hear that it can work out for the best. I was raised with two parents who were still married and are still happy together. my husbands parents divorced when he was very young but it was ugly for a long time so i'm really hoping things turn out for the best.
yeah we aren't going for a lawyer especially since I've got some help getting all the paperwork for a non-contested divorce. the only thing it will cost is the court fees/filing fees. so sorry Dave but im not gonna need the services of a hired gun lol

[Night Owl]

He wasn't talking about a lawyer!!!!:)

[christine]

I know that NO that's why I said "hired gun". Besides If I wanted him shot I wouldn't have sold my gun to pay for the divorce lol

[Night Owl]

You sold your gun!!!!! That's almost as bad as selling your child.:)

[christine]

I know but hey maybe you and Dave will get me a new one for my birthday. Lol Dave can finally use his beer can money for something lol

[Night Owl]

He will probably help. What kinda gun you want?

[christine]

Lol I love a nice s&w snub nose revolver, that was my first gun you know. With the metal finish it was beautiful Lol
The last/ one that I just got rid of was a taurus 9mm
Ohhh well guess I'll eventually get another one lol

[Night Owl]

WOW, a lady tht knows her guns. Sexy!!!!!:)

[christine]

Don't get to excited sparky I'm no expert.

[stormy]

Lol I love a nice s&w snub nose revolver, that was my first gun you know. With the metal finish it was beautiful Lol
The last/ one that I just got rid of was a taurus 9mm
Ohhh well guess I'll eventually get another one lol

Love the Taurus!!! Good choice! :)

[mac]

if they would just get rid of that stoopid safety system they have......what a pain....mac


Love the Taurus!!! Good choice! :)

[bigtruk_us]

Hope things worked out for you Christine