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Thread: My Dad (Messages moved from Tribe Talk)

  1. #11
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    Thanks for the kind words.

    It just happened that I had planned a trip to NC the weekend of the 10th to see him in the nursing home. I figured it'd be like the other trips where I spend time with him, bring a pizza or something for lunch or dinner and we'd talk. The day before I left, my sister called and told me that he had been in real bad shape for the past couple of weeks. Of course, she had already told my other sisters (not even their father) but didn't bother to tell me. I wasn't happy about that, but what's done was done.

    When I got to the room on the 10th, just by the look of him, I knew it wouldn't be long. He slept a lot and speech was mostly slurred. I told my sister that she needed to prepare herself for the call. On Monday, the 12th of June, the nurse practitioner talked to us and told us that his kidneys had completely shut down. I had to fly home the next day so I went to the hotel to see about extending my stay, but it was booked, so I packed and then went back to the home and he was sleeping. He woke for a few seconds, tried to talk, then went back to sleep. Turns out, that was pretty much the last time he woke up until he passed.

    He wasn't the best father. Especially to me. The story my aunts, grandparents, and mother told me was that when I was born, he insisted that I wasn't his and demanded that I be put up for adoption. His father got physical with and told him that he didn't care what he thought that I was his son and he would take care of me. They divorced two years later and it was nine years before he would allow me to visit him. He would come get my brother and sister, but never me. I asked him about it once, but never could get him to talk about it.

    For some reason, his death is hitting me harder than I thought it would. Maybe because he's the last of the parents; his wife, my step-mother, died in 2008, my mother in 2011, step-dad in 2013, brother last year. Last year, when my sister told me they had planned the funeral and that he wanted his ashes to be buried in Ohio with his wife, my sister told me that they would ship them there and that the funeral home would see to it that they were buried, I told her no, that I would take them there and do it. Again, I don't know why I cared, he would have never done it for me. I guess it's because I don't want to regret not doing the right thing, regret is a bitch and I don't want to live with it. But hell, it just feels like it's the right thing to do.

  2. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by mac View Post
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    yeow, those are long terrible trips. I had to make it from about 27 miles northwest of chu lai, South Vietnam. Think it was my last tour....must've been '70, '71 or maybe even '72.....they moved me out so fast I was still wearin' tiger stripes when I got to Santa Anna.......The worst part was the drive from Love in a rental to Santa Anna...................a lot of time to think and remember.....too much time.....mac
    I would have preferred to drive, but time is somewhat of an issue, and I want to take some sort of vacation with my wife this summer, so I'm flying, rental cars, hotels, etc...lol.

  3. #13
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    I understand completely what you wrote. People used to ask why I took care of my mother and came to see her every year after Dad passed in 2002. I would tell them out of earshot of Mom, that it is a son's duty and there is this little commandment that talks about honoring thy father and mother, I couldn't not do it, couldn't ignore her or put her off. As I drove home after the funeral, it was like doors closing as I left Jersey, PA, Md, WV, VA, and Tenn. She will have been gone a year this August and this is the first time, that I have been home, not deployed, that I wont be going north this summer and it is a weird feeling. I am doing a lot of pacing in the house as I take a couple weeks off and play with my 2 year old grand daughter......Good luck with your grieving process....
    "The difference between golf and government is that in golf you cant improve your lie"
    John Daly

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  5. #14
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    You're doing the right thing, Rick. God bless.
    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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  7. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
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    For some reason, his death is hitting me harder than I thought it would. Maybe because he's the last of the parents; his wife, my step-mother, died in 2008, my mother in 2011, step-dad in 2013, brother last year. Last year, when my sister told me they had planned the funeral and that he wanted his ashes to be buried in Ohio with his wife, my sister told me that they would ship them there and that the funeral home would see to it that they were buried, I told her no, that I would take them there and do it. Again, I don't know why I cared, he would have never done it for me. I guess it's because I don't want to regret not doing the right thing, regret is a bitch and I don't want to live with it. But hell, it just feels like it's the right thing to do.
    I get that, although I didn't have it so rough. I do have a little bit of experience with sometimes the only closure you can get being what you create for yourself. You seem like a loyal and "see it through to the end" kind of guy, so regardless of your relationship it sounds fitting that you would want to make the effort. Do what you need to do and don't be in a hurry to process it. It's going to take its own time and I don't think there's any one way to get through the worst of it. But eventually you will.

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  9. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rick View Post
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    Thanks for the kind words.

    It just happened that I had planned a trip to NC the weekend of the 10th to see him in the nursing home. I figured it'd be like the other trips where I spend time with him, bring a pizza or something for lunch or dinner and we'd talk. The day before I left, my sister called and told me that he had been in real bad shape for the past couple of weeks. Of course, she had already told my other sisters (not even their father) but didn't bother to tell me. I wasn't happy about that, but what's done was done.

    When I got to the room on the 10th, just by the look of him, I knew it wouldn't be long. He slept a lot and speech was mostly slurred. I told my sister that she needed to prepare herself for the call. On Monday, the 12th of June, the nurse practitioner talked to us and told us that his kidneys had completely shut down. I had to fly home the next day so I went to the hotel to see about extending my stay, but it was booked, so I packed and then went back to the home and he was sleeping. He woke for a few seconds, tried to talk, then went back to sleep. Turns out, that was pretty much the last time he woke up until he passed.

    He wasn't the best father. Especially to me. The story my aunts, grandparents, and mother told me was that when I was born, he insisted that I wasn't his and demanded that I be put up for adoption. His father got physical with and told him that he didn't care what he thought that I was his son and he would take care of me. They divorced two years later and it was nine years before he would allow me to visit him. He would come get my brother and sister, but never me. I asked him about it once, but never could get him to talk about it.

    For some reason, his death is hitting me harder than I thought it would. Maybe because he's the last of the parents; his wife, my step-mother, died in 2008, my mother in 2011, step-dad in 2013, brother last year. Last year, when my sister told me they had planned the funeral and that he wanted his ashes to be buried in Ohio with his wife, my sister told me that they would ship them there and that the funeral home would see to it that they were buried, I told her no, that I would take them there and do it. Again, I don't know why I cared, he would have never done it for me. I guess it's because I don't want to regret not doing the right thing, regret is a bitch and I don't want to live with it. But hell, it just feels like it's the right thing to do.
    Sounds like my birth mother Rick. I wouldn't wish our experience on anyone.




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  11. #17
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    Rick, you're a better man than he deserved, and it's never wrong to take the high road.

    My own father was like yours, not to me, but to my half-brother. He claimed his first wife cheated and refused to pay child support. He didn't have any contact with my bro and let his ex's second husband adopt him. I met my half-bro when I was in my 20's. I think Dad saw him twice, then left him 10K when he died. I saw him again after Dad died, and I can see he's still hurt.
    Last edited by Grammar Rules; June 26th, 2017 at 7:26 PM.
    Y'ALL MEANS ALL.

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