What would you do?

[liessemsed]

Situation: You are a father who has just received custody of your 6-year old daughter "Jade", whom you haven't been around daily since she was 18 months old. Your ex-wife decided that Jade was too much to handle, which is how you got custody of her (Jade has speech problems, some educational issues, but is fine behavior-wise). Because of your job, you have to drop off "Jade" at child care at 5:30 a.m. while she's still sleeping. Child care takes her to school, and because she's been sleeping all morning, she has wild bedhead. Jade's hair is constantly in her hair all day long. Jade's teacher notices that her hair is bothering her all day - getting in her eyes, in her food, and it's still tangled from sleeping. The teacher decides to buy Jade a little brush and some rubber bands that she keeps at school. Since Jade gets to school early enough, the teacher decides to brush Jade's hair and put it up, figuring that Jade misses her mom doing her hair and she's trying to help Dad out a little bit since Jade is still a little young to put it up herself.

How would you react towards the teacher?

[xzochye]

The teacher is being nice but if it bothers you speak with the teacher. I am sure she doesn't mean any harm believe it or not something as little as that can set the tone for that kids entire day. I did the same thing for one of my students a few years ago. Her hair was always wild and crazy and she was constantly brushing it aside. One day I was just being silly with her on the playground and put her hair in a braid. Everyday after that she started asking me to do her hair. She even brought me her brush the next day...lol. She was 5 or 6.

[Ludwig]

Like it or not, the fact is that all teachers, by virtue of their exposure to our children, take on the position of alter-parent. I have a problem where in your initial posting you said the teacher was combing Jade's hair because she was, "figuring that Jade misses her mom doing her hair". And yet you give no basis for such an insight. Unless you have already spoken with the teacher you have no way of knowing her motives for her action. Accept with gratitude the teachers assistance. If her assistance bothers you then go have a talk with the teacher and come up with a unified plan for the child's proper hygiene.

[CenTexDave]

Is the teacher a woman?
How old is she?
Is she married?

[liessemsed]

I asked this because the father of the child requested a meeting with me (the teacher). I was just going over possible scenarios in my head of what his reaction might be. I met with him today, and at first he was very apprehensive of why I would be taking care of his daughter. He thought it was to show him how inadequate he was as a father, like "You can't even brush your daughter's hair in the morning?!" He also thought I was using it as fodder to use when I called CPS. I told him that I had no intention of involving CPS, since his daughter was always dressed in clean clothes, had food, and seemed to be happy. I knew that she was dropped off super early, and having sported long, unruly hair back in the day, I knew what a pain it was to have to keep pushing it out of my face all day long. I told him I knew he'd had a hard time adjusting and just wanted to make his life a little easier. He softened up a bit, and explained that he was so nervous taking care of his little girl and was always worried that people were thinking he was a terrible father. I told him he was doing just fine. The reason I knew that Jade missed her mom doing her hair is she is always trying to touch or play with her classmates' hair and when I spoke to her about it she said, "Mommy used to put hair in piggietails. I like piggietails."

I was very glad everything worked out okay... thanks for your opinions!

[corgifan]

I knew you were talking about yourself! Glad things worked out.

[JoAnn Purser]

Why wouldn't Dad ask childcare to help out too?

[sojourner truth]

My wife went through this when we were both in the army and our daughter had to go to a sitter, then to school, and then back to the sitter until one of us came and got her. She felt like she was an inadequate mother. Despite the fact that she loved and cared for our daughter 10 times better than many of our friends did when we were all together at the end of the day and on weekends. Despite the absences, our daughter grew up just fine, is well adjusted, has a good marriage and a great career. My wife still agonizes over it, and when our daughter came down last christmas from Florida my wife broke down and cried for an hour about it in front of her. My daughter tried to tell how she knew how much mom loved her and how great a mom she was, and that made her feel a little better, but not much. Todays society is very much afraid of CPS involvement in ther lives because it doesn't take much to have them show up on your doorstep. All it takes is a snoopy neighbor who has a grudge, or is simply a busybody to see something they don't like and report you. Feelings of guilt an inadequacy are reactions shown only parents who give a damn about their kids. The ones I worry about are the ones who don't care what their kids look like, much less what they are up to. You done good teacher. I wish dad could see that, and I wish more parents could see how much it means for a teacher to help when they can, especially at that tender age. Still, until dad KNOWS you are only doing this from the goodness of your heart, he's going to be leary because he's vulnerable...Plus he's probably heard a lot of CPS horror stories, and lays awake at night letting his imagination get the better of him. Your kindness and care may help him overcome that, as long as it doesn't become meddlesome to the point that it drives him into his defensive protected zone.

[Rick]

It's a good idea for parents to learn to accept positive influences in their kids lives. It's certainly not a sign of weakness to do so.

[Mr. Lucky]

That story made me think about Miss Jeanie Harmon. She was from France and actually married to Elwood Harmon. She taught my daughter at the Luthern School off Trimmer. It was Picture Day and my daughter showed up in her favorite t-shirt looking like the rag-a-muffin as normal. Jeanie put the prettiest white sweater on her for the pictures. It is my most favorite picture of my daughter. I always think of Jeanie when I look at it. She was and is such a wonderful and loving person. I am so happy my daughter had her as a teacher.