Aging Parents

[JoAnn Purser]

Anyone have a website for families dealing with aging parents that is credible?

Maybe a great book?

Need guidance on how to cope.

[Rick]

That's something we all either have or will face. Perhaps a forum, or sub-forum for those who want to discuss this and start a little support group here.

[siamcat]

These look to be credible.

http://www.livestrong.com/article/10257-cope-with-elderly-parent-living/

http://www.agingcare.com/dealing-with-elderly-parents

[Gramps]

That's something we all either have or will face. Perhaps a forum, or sub-forum for those who want to discuss this and start a little support group here.

Great idea! Possibly a sub-forum under Parenting and Family Discussions?

[beaver]

Great idea! Possibly a sub-forum under Parenting and Family Discussions?

Sounds like a good idea!

[Rick]

Ok, I will do it.

[bbh]

Unfortunately, we are going through this right now with my mother, and it is heartbreaking. For the last year, we have tried to keep her in her home and take care of her on our own. We wanted to have someone come into the home and care for her, but she refused to let anyone do that.

Our biggest problem was deciding when to move her to a care facility. When was it time? Her doctor told us that this is called a "crisis decision." In other words, when we had some sort of crisis, we would know it was time. She lived in Harker Heights; we live in Salado. During the past several months, I would try to go over there at least three times a day...before school, at lunch, and after school. It finally got to the point where she would go to bed at 5:00 in the afternoon, and I couldn't get there before she had the house locked up. About four weeks ago, we had the crisis. She called a neighbor at 4:00 pm. because her smoke alarm was going off (bad battery). When the neighbor arrived, the temperature in her house was over 90 degrees. She had, for some unknown reason, turned off the air conditioner. When she opened the door to let the neighbors in, she passed out and they caught her before she hit the floor. They called 911 and then me. She was suffering from heat stroke, and didn't even realize that she was hot. I shudder to think what would have happened if that smoke alarm had not gone off.

That's when we knew it was time. We moved her into Rosewood's Assisted Living, and she has adjusted better than we could have hoped. Her mind is rapidly getting worse, however, so we're not sure how long she will be able to stay there. She has no concept of time, so they have to walk her to meals, etc. She is losing all ability to remember how to do things, such as take a bath or change her clothes, but they help her with that. Thank goodness that she has shown no signs of "wandering." If that happens, she will not be able to stay at Rosewood, because it is not secure for that. It broke my heart to have to take her out of her home, but she is content, and that is the answer to our prayers.

For the future, I have checked into the new Stoney Brook facility in Belton. It is brand new and set to open later this month. It is a beautiful place, but very expensive. They will have what they call the "Memory Care" section for residents with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia.

While we are fortunate that my mother has some assets and a monthly annuity from my deceased dad, financial planning is something that we have to consider. The plan that we have her on at Rosewood is approximately $3200/month, and her monthly income will not cover all of that. Stoney Brook's Memory Care will be $4700/month. Because my mom has some assets, she does not qualify for help from Medicare for her care. I've done some research (for example, a program for WWII veterans/spouses that pays up to $1000/month), and I've learned that I need some help in making the best decisions for the sale of her house, etc. We have an appointment with an Elder Law attorney in a couple of weeks. I've learned enough to realize that there are pitfalls along the way that can threaten our ability to protect her assets so that they will be there for her care. I would strongly suggest getting an attorney who specializes in this type of law....it changes constantly and you need someone who is up on those changes.

This is a stressful, sad, scary, and frustrating time in life. It is the hardest thing in the world to have to become a parent to your parent. My heart goes out to all of those who are dealing with a situation like ours.

[siamcat]

Ugh, my last post went into cyberspace.
I feel for you bbh. Both my grandmother and great-grand mother had altzheimers and dementia. Eventually they both had to be moved into a home for their own safety.
It is a very painful decision, but one that has to be made.

[siamcat]

Never mind, it's on another thread. Too much sun today I guess:doh.

[bbh]

Thank you, siamcat. We are so fortunate in today's world that we often have our good physical health for an extended number of years. The downside is that we often outlive our good mental health, and that is so very sad.

[Rick]

No, it's my fault, I split the topic when beaver asked the Alzheimers question.

[siamcat]

No problem.:rose

[TexMexYum]

Anyone have a website for families dealing with aging parents that is credible?

Maybe a great book?

Need guidance on how to cope.

I recently met with an attorney who specilizes in elder law. He has a book in his office that he recommends. It's called "How to Care for Aging Parents" by Virginia Morris. It's a good $20 resource that answers many questions. If you have any other questions about the attorney or my meeting with him, I'll be glad to help.

[JoAnn Purser]

Well, found a book that is helpful.

"The 36 Hour Day"....a family guide to caring for persons with alzheimer disease, relating dementing illnesses, and memory loss in later life.

I find I cope better with a plan. I want lots of information and want to know ultimately where I am going to end up. This helps me to deal better with my aging family members symptoms. I find I am more patient with knowledge.

Hope this helps.

[Lsquare]

Anyone have any input/info re paying for nursing home care? My mother is in a nursing home with advanced dementia and my 71-yr old step-father had to give up his retirement and start teaching again to pay the nursing home and her meds not covered d/t the donut hole. He winds up paying more than he makes at teaching and gets by on his social security and teacher retirement. I guess he could do a reverse mortgage on their house, but after working 30 years to pay for the house, he doesn't want to give it up to the bank.

Any suggestions?

[Spartan]

Medicare covers bona fide medical problems. Elder care is taken care through Medicaid but only after all the patient's resources have been used up. The only way your step-father can get out of this predicament is to divorce his wife and even then 50% of their assets would be taken.

That is why I tell all young folks to get long-term medical insurance.

[THEMEANOGRE]

Check into a trust fund. My mother has set one up for my eventual needs. She uses We Care in Temple for tax and financial consultation stuff.

[Lsquare]

Medicare covers bona fide medical problems. Elder care is taken care through Medicaid but only after all the patient's resources have been used up. The only way your step-father can get out of this predicament is to divorce his wife and even then 50% of their assets would be taken.

That is why I tell all young folks to get long-term medical insurance.

He has been "spent down" for a couple of years now and has been consulting an eldercare lawyer during that time. Medicaid rejected the application due to their mistaken belief that he still owns his parents house. He sold his share of it to his brother years ago. Proof was provided and he was still rejected by Medicaid. The nursing home said keep trying, but there seems to be a lot of foot dragging going on and lawyers collecting fees going on.

[lovekids]

To BBH:
Thank you so very much for you honest, down to earth post. Your situation sounds exactly what I am going through right now with my mom. I have a sister that comes in from out of state to help out for 30 days but then she must leave to go home to take care of her family. I work, but take care of mom in the evenings. Mom's doctor told us about Helping Angels which is a program that will send someone by the house a few hours each day to check on her until I can get off work. The agency is sending helpers to the house next week for us to interview. She is not to happy with the decision, but she wants to stay in her home. When the times comes, we'll also have to pay out of pocket for mom's care in a facility. If you don't mind, I'd like to know the name of the Elder Law attorney you contacted that helped with planning out her care. I wish you best with your mom.

[Spartan]

There are many agencies vying for the opportunity to care for your mom in her home. They will be paid through Medicare and Medicare will go after your Mom's assets just as they would if she were in a care facility. These agencies' services are NOT cheap. When they come to interview (a.k.a. evaluate available assets) be sure that you ask all the right questions and have a legal rep. review all paperwork before you or you Mom signs them.

[Lsquare]

My mother lives in Conway, AR and that's where the eldercare lawyer is. I'm not familiar with those in this area.

[prideworks]

Gene Silverblatt specializes in elder law and revoccable family trusts. He did mine and my partners and it saved my sanity many times. He's next to the Harker Heights bank building off the highway. Here's his website. Hope it helps.

http://silverblattlaw.com/Contact%20Info%20%26%20Directions.htm

[Mr. Lucky]

I was thinking the other day as I was driving my Father-in-law around town, that I was so lucky to be able to do that and how much I treasure every moment that I still have with him. I lost my own father when I was 30. I have looked up to this man ever since I met him.