Question

[siamcat]

What makes it so hard to adjust to retirement after 21 years in the service?

It's something we looked forward to for years. No more deployments, no more missing important events and now every year seems harder.

Now my hubby is so unhappy it breaks my heart. It affects our family and our marriage.

We made it through multiple deployments, having a baby on my own, raising kids mostly on my own, and now it's all falling apart when it should be a good time.

Any input is appreciated.

[Ludwig]

... Now my hubby is so unhappy...

That bit of information is not nearly enough to get a start on.

I would suggest a good family counselor to begin with the help you define the problem and then, when the problem is defined, work on a mutually agreeable solution. You, too, don't sound very happy.

[JoAnn Purser]

When there is a change in someone's life in general there is always a a brief period of depression. Mourning a change is probable even though outwardly the person may seem joyous or excited.

I closed a retail store 18 years ago and even though it was my choice I became emotionally upset when we took the sign down to the point I saved it in a barn just cuz. It took a year to get over the choice and I get reminders from friends on occasion of the store and still to this day miss it.

Allow the mourning and reminisce with stories as he is losing a dear friend or chapter in his story of his life. Time will heal the change.

That is why a honey do list is important now, use it to distract him with projects as idle time will prolong getting use to a different time in your lives.

He will have to relearn a new pattern maybe get a new job (part or fulltime) to feel he is needed.

I am not educated as a counselor but read a lot of "Dear Abby".

A counselor would be great if he would go to one.

Hey how about filing for public office? I know a great City that could use his help......::)

[Night Owl]

The reason for the depression is that he doesn't have a purpose in life right now. For years his purpose has been the military and the soldiers. It was tough when I retired, but I rolled from a job in the Army directly into a job in the civilian market. Your husband needs to find his new purpose and one way is to volunteer until he can find exactly what he wants to do. Volunteering will get him out of the house and around other people which is a key during this transition. It will get better but it takes time.

This is a hard time for some and I wish you and your family the best.

[skindog]

Remember in the movie "Shawshank Redemption" when 'Red' talks about being institutionalized? Retirement is likely very similar; They've had a routine for the previous 2+ decades, and when the routine disappears, it's chaos and confusion. Finding a new purpose is hard, and as others have recommended, it's probably the best bet. In the mean time, I'd say to just be supportive, even if it means he wants some space to figure things out in his own mind. Sometimes the best help you can give is none at all...

[sojourner truth]

When I retired, I sat on my ass and drank beer all day for 2 years until momma chewed me out for vegitating. Said something about "not having married a mushroom growing on the couch". I went out and got a new job, and stuck with it for 17 years. The real hard part was when I retired from that one. I started exercising for 2 hours a day, playing and recording music, walking the dog, and doing all the house "fix up" stuff I didn't have time for before. PLUS, I now do all the house work, cleaning and cooking. We have the most spotless house in Heights. If you really want to keep him entertained, get him on CTT. He may love it as much as many of us old retired farts do. Right now, he's missing his "daily routine", and the comeraderie he had all those years. He needs new comrades, and things to keep busy. My problem is that momma retires from Ellison this year, and I have to though this with her now. Love will get you through it. Even when they aren't very loveable, you have to stick with them and love them through the transition. IT WILL PASS. Even if you can't see it yet.

[siamcat]

Thank you all for the input.
It's been five years and he has been working, but I think his plans for his dream job after retirement has been derailed by the economy. Things are good for a while, then something bad happens at work and we start all over again.
I'll hang in there and maybe there is a miracle.

[cityboy]

Hey, I'm not retired (not even close), but I've been struggling with sort of the same thing. I think I posted something about it awhile back. I'll be 55 years old this year, and I'm tired of working, coming home, working, coming home. For a lot of people, work is their satisfaction, maybe even their passion. Not for me. Work is work, a necessary evil and very little more than that. I know that I need to find something that feeds my soul, fulfills me, and all that. But it's kinda hard when the place where you spend most of your time (work) just kind of drains you and wears you out, mentally and physically. "So quit belly-aching, Cityboy, and get another damn job!" Easier said than done, you know. I have my interests -- golf, writing, music -- but like I said, it's hard to find the time and/or energy for those things ...

[CenTexDave]

You miss certain things about the military for sure, but I never felt depressed, etc.
I worked for government contractors following army retirement. Maybe that would help him.

[onetime]

My father would come home from multiple deployments and field duties and the entire household would be abuzz, but then after a month or two that buzz went away and it was always hard for everyone to figure out what to do because we were all accustomed to a certain style of living. It was even more difficult once he retired and had a difficult time finding a job or career outside of the military. He tried college, I always wonder why he did not give me or my sibling his G.I. bill, but I am sure the good lord made it so for a purpose. Anyways he did not succeed in that and struggled with a few other temp jobs until he found himself a place of employment that he liked and things as a result got better. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and those deployments in a sense are like ultra intense vacations depending on where he went. My father was only in a warzone once and the other eight years were spent in peaceful locales.

[siamcat]

My father would come home from multiple deployments and field duties and the entire household would be abuzz, but then after a month or two that buzz went away and it was always hard for everyone to figure out what to do because we were all accustomed to a certain style of living. It was even more difficult once he retired and had a difficult time finding a job or career outside of the military. He tried college, I always wonder why he did not give me or my sibling his G.I. bill, but I am sure the good lord made it so for a purpose. Anyways he did not succeed in that and struggled with a few other temp jobs until he found himself a place of employment that he liked and things as a result got better. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and those deployments in a sense are like ultra intense vacations depending on where he went. My father was only in a warzone once and the other eight years were spent in peaceful locales.

I think that is the problem. He does not like the person I've become while he was deployed. So, it's my fault.
He's a great guy and I love him, but I'm at a loss and my heart is breaking.

[JoAnn Purser]

Hang in there.

Couples change and their interests peak at different times in a marriage. Having kids, In Laws, Health, Being Retired or Loss have a tremendous effect on all of us. Couples have to redefine themselves during all phases of a marriage. This is a different chapter but worth working for.

You know him better than anyone and unless it is abusive there is no reason to give up.

Your patience will be tested. We all face changes in our spouses that frustrate us time to time.

Remember to just love him.

[Mr. Lucky]

Is the love still there? As long as you both still love each other, everything can be fine. It just takes some time and effort to find the root cause of the problem. He may be in mourning over the loss of what he was, his identity. Change and the need to adjust, is very difficult for some people. It may not have anything to do about you and everything about him, except of course that you are part of his life and have to go through it with him.

I agree with everything JoAnn said, However some times as couples change, they realize that the love, just is not there anymore. No matter how much you love them, you cannot make them love you back. Hopefully, that is not the case here.