Daughter

[cityboy]

Dad and daughter, don't live in the same household, but always very close, spend lots of time together, vacation trips, sports, movies, restaurants, all the way through high school. Now, 19-year-old daughter doesn't speak to dad any more. Says he is too critical, too negative, asks too many questions ...

[Night Owl]

Welcome to life. It is a phase they go through and in the end she will come around.

[CenTexDave]

It took her until she hit 19? Amazing.
A bit of advice - she is now an adult and a young lady. Treat her as such. Offer advice, don't preach or lecture. She will make mistakes; she will learn from them.

[Ludwig]

So, what else is new? Dad, if he wants to remain in the relationship, needs to understand that she's now an adult, more in need of suggestions and words of wisdom than criticism, more in need of affirmation of who she is rather than being reminded that she has fallen short of his expectations, and has a right to privacy which even her Dad can not take away. She will always be a daughter, but she is past being Dad's child.

[sojourner truth]

My daughter and I hit this speedbump when she was 20. One day I told her "hey, you're a big girl now, do whatever you want." I kept out of her business ever since. We get along great now. In fact, she calls me every Sunday night and tells me what's going on in her life, and asks me for advice on problems she is having. I still give her advice if she asks for it, but I never butt in or get bossy. We've been best buds ever since. She's 31 now.

[ItsMe]

At that age I was starting to realize I didn't hate my dad anymore. Took probably another year or so, but I realized that all of that tough fathering was needed...and I am glad he was there for me the way he was.

[siamcat]

It's hard to be a parent.

At some point ( and it happens at different ages) the kids will decide you did everything wrong and it's all your fault.

All you can do is love them, guide them, and when they get to that stage let them go and pray that what you taught them will stick and guide them through life.

I'm at the praying stage with my son right now and I wish you luck.

[JoAnn Purser]

Now, 19-year-old daughter doesn't speak to dad any more. Says he is too critical, too negative, asks too many questions ...

Happened between 15-16 in our household. She will come around, it just may be a year or two or four. Dad will be one of the most important persons for the remainder of her life that she relies on for all types of issues.

Bumps in the road are a part of parenting that we all face and the spreading of the wings is a natural process.

I am glad at 31 and 25 I haven't hit a pothole with mine. (Stuck with no way to fix it in sight.) Hopefully that is no the case here.

Tell Dad to just be patient and love her. She will come around.

[cityboy]

Thanks, y'all. I have a friend in the same situation with his adult son. I have taken his advice to send my daughter a text once a week, asking no questions, just saying hi and I love you. That's what he does, and his son never answers his messages. I will once a week say hi, I love you and hope all is well, expecting nothing in return. I know she is a good girl, and someday hopefully will come back ...

[Ludwig]

Thanks, y'all. I have a friend in the same situation with his adult son. I have taken his advice to send my daughter a text once a week, asking no questions, just saying hi and I love you. That's what he does, and his son never answers his messages. I will once a week say hi, I love you and hope all is well, expecting nothing in return. I know she is a good girl, and someday hopefully will come back ...

Take a risk and share your life experiences with her as well as your heartfelt feelings. That is true love... giving yourself to another. If more men learned to do that then our failed relationship with the other gender would greatly reduce.

[CenTexDave]

Sons are different CityBoy.

[siamcat]

Sons are different CityBoy.

Yes they are different from daughters, but in the end they're both kids.

Different drama, different issues ( have one of each), different personalities on top of that. In the end it's the same I believe.
All you can do is love them and support them in their different ways, let them go, and pray for the best. As long as you care I believe that eventually it'll work out.

[cityboy]

She probably knows me better than most people do. I'm sure I have disappointed her somehow, which breaks my heart. I never wanted my kid to feel let down, the way I felt let down by my father, but I also know that I truly did the best I could to let her know that I love her unconditionally, and that I am always proud of her. Unfortunately, other influences in her life have apparently won out at this point ...

[CenTexDave]

It sounds like you care very much, so she will remember that some day soon.
I recall how I got older, I started realizing my father was a very intelligent man. :)

[sojourner truth]

I talk to my daughter every Sunday night far at least an hour. Even though she is a certified high school teacher, she is a warehouse manager for Wal Mart in Panama Beach Fla. I always tell her, every time I talk to her, how proud she makes me. I never criticized he career change, even though I wanted to. It paid off in the long run. I can take pride in the fact that she is good at what she does, and that she has a job, and my wife and I's work ethic. Those are the important things. Be a doer, and be good at what you do. Everything else is secondary. Her mom never smothered her, and I think helicopter moms do more harm than good. We also let her know that we are there for her if things go bad, but don't push it down her throat and try to be controlling. Yep...Let go, but always let them know you are there if they need you.

[xzochye]

I think you are doing the right thing by giving her her space. Just keep with your plan of the weekly text, let her know you love and support her and that you will always be there for her. That is the best thing you can do. My father and I had a very rocky relationship until I was almost 22. After that we had a very very close relationship until the day he passed away. He would tell me I need to make wiser choices and sometimes I didn't like hearing it but he always backed up his advice with support when I needed that. She is just finding her way in her life and needs to find out who she is. The time will come when she appreciates you and everything have done for her.

[mac]

as the father of 2 foster daughters, 2 adopted daughters and 2 biological daughters i have to say that there's some awful good advice on this thread. what many of us of the geezer class have to remember though is that parents today face a threat that many of us didn't have to and that, of course, is drugs.....the great interloper, the great destroyer......the great scourge....especially if the parent has no idea that his child is experimenting of on the stuff. Drugs have prob'ly, in my opinion, destroyed more parent child relationships AND families AND even young adults that any thing I can think of including war(s). Parents today can lose their child to dope before they're even aware that they or their child has a problem. My wife and I had supper last night at the edelweiss in HH and it was very apparent to everybody there, except the parents, that one of their daughters was high........on something other than booze......even the daughter's sister knew it.......so sad......mac

[August]

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. My daughter is little but I would be so hurt and confused if she ever stopped talking to me for no apparent (good) reason!

There is a funny quote (which I can't find at the moment) about how one sees their parents as "dumb," "wise," or somewhere in-between based on their own age.

I know teenagers go through that rebellion stage but it seems like by 19, she should be getting over it soon!

[August]

what many of us of the geezer class have to remember though is that parents today face a threat that many of us didn't have to and that, of course, is drugs

I forgot to mention that, as well ~ when I read about the withdrawn-from-you way your daughter is acting ... I would want to rule out that anything is wrong, such as drugs

[cityboy]

Wanted to let y'all know about a new perspective and important lesson I learned from all of this:

I always resented my dad somewhat because he wasn't the father I thought he should have been or could have been. On the other hand, I thought I was a pretty damn good father, making sure my daughter always knew I loved her and was proud of her, unconditionally. Well, that hasn't exactly turned out the way I planned, either. So what I learned is that my dad in all likelihood did the best he could, and I probably would have made the same bad decisions that I made whether he was Father of the Year or not. I wrote him a letter saying so, and thanking him for everything he did for me.

[Ludwig]

I'm glad to hear that and, assuming that he's alive, I sure that he will be overjoyed. You, too, may receive such a correspondence one day.

[cityboy]

He's alive ...

[circle_c]

Wanted to let y'all know about a new perspective and important lesson I learned from all of this:

I always resented my dad somewhat because he wasn't the father I thought he should have been or could have been. On the other hand, I thought I was a pretty damn good father, making sure my daughter always knew I loved her and was proud of her, unconditionally. Well, that hasn't exactly turned out the way I planned, either. So what I learned is that my dad in all likelihood did the best he could, and I probably would have made the same bad decisions that I made whether he was Father of the Year or not. I wrote him a letter saying so, and thanking him for everything he did for me.
In my opinion, one of the better if not the best results of any of the post's in parenting and family thread I have read. Just love it when a problem has a good ending. :thumbsup I tend to agree with Ludwig in his last post.

[cityboy]

Dad called yesterday. Was at a loss for words about the letter: "I don't know what to say." Then, however, he recovered and proceeded to talk nonstop for 30 minutes about a bunch of soap opera stuff going on with my stepmother's family. Whew, boy ;)

[JoAnn Purser]

Wanted to let y'all know about a new perspective and important lesson I learned from all of this:

I always resented my dad somewhat because he wasn't the father I thought he should have been or could have been. On the other hand, I thought I was a pretty damn good father, making sure my daughter always knew I loved her and was proud of her, unconditionally. Well, that hasn't exactly turned out the way I planned, either. So what I learned is that my dad in all likelihood did the best he could, and I probably would have made the same bad decisions that I made whether he was Father of the Year or not. I wrote him a letter saying so, and thanking him for everything he did for me.

A few years ago my sister felt the same way about our mother too. She for whatever reason felt that our mother made wrong or bad choices in life and hindered her childhood. I had a "come to Jesus meeting" with her and told her that our mother while at 14 years of age she fled Poland to come here with no one. She self taught herself an honest way to make a living, fell in love and had three daughters. Twenty five years later divorced and never remarried. She struggled as a single parent searching for our dead beat dad that was never found, raising two little girls alone (one was in College and had already married).

One sister really was troubled. I have always admired my mother for overcoming the worst and accomplishing so much. She has a tremendous work ethic to this day and she recently turned 85.

She absolutely did the best she could under the circumstances and I am grateful my sister has since changed her opinion of our mother.

[cityboy]

Thought I'd give y'all a little update: Daughter and I still are not exactly on normal speaking terms. I have reached out through text messaging to stay in contact, and she responds sometimes, sometimes not. It's not too bad. I miss her a lot, but my heart has stopped aching like it did. Someday, she'll be back ...

[CenTexDave]

Time heals all wounds. Give it a chance.